Clueless
by Kaleyanne
Summary: Kuwabara reflects on his relationship or lack thereof with Yukina when a very familiar voice decides to talk some sense into him.


**Clueless **

It was a chilly night. A dark, chilly night. A dark, chilly, cloudy, gloomy, horrible night. The rain was sitting patiently in the clouds, just waiting for a chance to spring forth and drench the poor teenager trapped beneath.

The teenager took another look at the night sky, and shivered, pulling his yellow coat closer to him. Stupid, really: it was a thin little windbreaker he had taken so his sister would not yell at him for being careless.

"It's a perfectly sunny day!" he had yelled. "I'm going to spend it in the park with Yukina-san!"

His older sister, named Shizuru, had rolled her eyes. "If you stopped thinking about Yukina-chan long enough to watch the news, you would KNOW that it's going to get COLD." She shook her head at him. "I know you too well, kiddo. You're going to spend the day with Yukina-chan, and then she's going to ask you to the temple for coffee and tea. You're going to say 'Yes, of course, Yukiiiiiiiiina-san!' Then, Baachan is going to challenge you to that new 'Shockers of Shanghai' video game she bought last week. You're going to say 'Yukina-san, please watch me as I win this battle in your honor!'" A wry smirk slipped past her annoyed demeanor to rest on her sallow face. "Do I need to continue?"

He had told her to mind her own damn business, and grabbed the windbreaker to avoid further argument.

Of course, his sister was right. His older sister was always right. The day had played out exactly as she predicted. True, Shizuru had a knack for predicting the future, but this time, as much as Kuwabara hated to admit it, he doubted her precognitive abilities had been used at all.

He had spent a pleasant day climbing trees, sipping lemonade, and feeding the birds with his precious Yukina. They had talked about everything and nothing. Yukina told him about her week. She encouraged him to study hard and to do his best. She said she was proud of him. She said he was the most determined person she had ever known, and she was sure he was going to do well in life. She touched his hand and said she would like very much for their friendship to continue through their lives.

Friendship.

Not love.

Not the sweet, passionate fire that made Kuwabara want to scream in pure pleasure every time she smiled. Not the gentle song that hummed through his head as he walked up to rendezvous with her each week. Not the hard, crashing drum his chest became, beaten by his heart, whenever she was near. No. She didn't want that.

It was a depressing thought, that the one dearest to him seemed positively clueless to his affection for her. Oh, if she knew of this amazing power that thrummed in his veins, and still waved him off with a snappy 'Screw you, see ya later…' Maybe that would be better. Maybe he could just get a quick heartbreak and move on to other things. Other people.

But no. For all his attempts to show her that their feelings were stronger than any attack, any element, any artifact… She just smiled and nodded, letting him go on and on and on and on… never comprehending. Just listening to him talk himself hoarse about all they could do together, all they could become.

Sometimes her smile seemed too wide, and he knew, just _knew_, that all of his grandiose speeches were sailing a few dozen feet above her thick head.

No. That isn't right; Yukina-san is most certainly NOT thick-headed. Urameshi is thick-headed, Hiei is thick-headed… Yukina-san is just… naïve, I suppose. Maybe she's clueless, maybe she doesn't understand, maybe she doesn't know how… I don't know, I don't know if I ever will know, and I don't know how to find that out.

I _am the thick-headed one. _

Oh, he certainly was. Thicker than a brick, and twice as dense, was Kuwabara's skull. The teen looked up at the gray clouds. The sky was practically invisible, now, he noticed. A knife would be ripped into the bottom of the dark puffiness momentarily, unleashing gallons upon gallons of water unto the smoky, polluted city. Who knew how long the storm would last? Hours? Days?

And then what?

Well, obviously, the rain would rain for awhile. And then maybe it would stop. Maybe after a few drizzles. Maybe after a torrential downpour. Who knows?

_Who cares?_

It would rain, and then it would stop. And then in a few weeks it would rain again.

_Big deal._

It did, and it didn't, and then it did again. On and on and on and on… for all eternity. Until all the water dried up or the sun burnt out, the rain would not die. And neither had happened yet, so who was to say they would any time soon? The rain was doomed to its binding cycle for the entire foreseeable future, and possibly quite far beyond.

_Just like me, _Kuwabara thought bitterly. _I'm forever bound to this cycle of be with Yukina-san, drop hints to Yukina-san, realize Yukina-san doesn't get it, and then start over… for the entire foreseeable future._

Oddly enough, Kuwabara felt more pity for the rain than for himself, foolish as he knew it was. Hiei would have a field day, if he knew Kuwabara was dumb enough to pity something that was not even alive…

_Hell. Would Hiei pity anyone who _was _alive?_

Debatable.

Hiei probably would not even pity himself. _Waste of time,_ the gruff voice in his head informed him. _Sit and cry or go do something about it. It's a really obvious answer if you actually have something in that thick skull of yours. _

_Is it? _Kuwabara raged back to the demon, smug in his mind as he was in the flesh. _Is it so easy to have your heart smashed like china and just recharge and go at it again?_

_Kuwabara, recharge and smash again another day is just about all you do_, Hiei pointed out. _That's your strategy. Hit them, and if that doesn't work, you get up and hit them again. And again, and again, until it finally does work._

_Would you just leave me alone? _Kuwabara yelled in his head. Outside, he was ducking under a store's canopy to escape the faster falling rain. _I try and try and try, and it doesn't work! Yukina-san doesn't understand it!_

_So what?_

_So what? It's kind of hard to have a relationship when one of you has no idea what that relationship means!_

_You'd define a lot of things as 'kind of hard.' It's kind of hard defeating a gang of demons or appealing to some messed up Sensui pawn, or a whole lot of other ordeals you've dealt with, _Hiei said calmly. _And unless your memory is as faulty as the rest of your mind, you should know that all of those things went successfully. _

Kuwabara sighed. There was no one out and about during such an ugly storm. The wind blew droplets of water under the canopy and splashed his cheek. Anyone looking might have mistaken them for tears.

But Kuwabara questioned how much of a mistake it might have been.

_But just as often it goes wrong, and I fail, _he told the Hiei specter. _As you so kindly point out every single time. _

_You screw up more than your share, that's true,_ Hiei agreed_. But somehow, I don't know how, you get through. I guess it's—what was it you said? No one can beat you in a contest of guts? _

_Don't be stupid; guts have nothing to do with this, _the ex-delinquent moaned. _Wrong organ. All of this is heart. _

_And aren't you supposed to be good at that, too? Or is all your Warrior of Love nonsense just some stupid game you play for the fun of it? _

_You don't get it, _Kuwabara sighed. His own brain didn't get it—how sad was that?

Kuwabara had the heart. He knew that—he had the heart to love Yukina with everything he was or would be. He had the heart to give her everything she could ever want. He had the heart to run off into the Demon Realm at this very moment and traipse through all of it to find her missing brother, just for the smile it would bring to her face.

_Why don't I do that, anyway? _He wondered.

_Because you don't know the Demon Realm from the Burger King downtown, _Hiei sneered. _You've been there once. It would be like jumping through a hole in the ground to fight four hugely powerful demons you know nothing about… _The specter paused for a moment, thinking. _Wait, you did that, too. _

_Turned out to be a good thing I did, though, _Kuwabara shot back. Somewhere he wondered how intelligent it was to argue with a voice in your head, but for the most part, it felt too much like Hiei was right there, soaked by the rain, still standing out under the falling water, challenging him.

_What would you have done if I weren't there? _Kuwabara demanded of the mental apparition. _Yusuke and Kurama nearly died in their fights, and I doubt you would have been able to defeat both Byakko and Seiryu. I doubt it. _

_I never said you were intelligent, did I? _Hiei mused. _You idiot. I could have defeated Byakko in a fraction of what it took you. All I have ever said about you is that you're stubborn. _

_And a lot of good it's done me, _returned Kuwabara bitterly. _I just keep getting beaten back and back and back… _

_Just like in your real life, huh? _Hiei interrupted, pulling off his white scarf to wring out the water. _Must be annoying. No wonder all you can do is get up and hit them again. _

Kuwabara sighed. _Maybe if this were about fighting, that'd be helpful, but, as usual, you don't get anything other than pummeling someone into submission, do you? _

_You don't get anything else, either. Go at it. Do it. And keep doing it until it's done. I keep telling you, Kuwabara: it's _all _you know how to do_.

_I've been doing it! It doesn't work!_

_Directly? _

Kuwabara stopped. _Of course I have!_

_Tell me, then: when? When did you actually say that you… loved her?_

Kuwabara straightened up, ready to tell that annoying Hiei voice for good and all where to shove it, ready to list in detail all of the many times he had proclaimed his undying affection for the lovely ice maiden when…

He blanked.

The young man frowned. This was no good. He searched his memory of all the many days he had spent with Yukina, by the beach, in the ice cream parlor, in the forest… He replayed all of their conversations to the best of his ability. Every euphoric moment. Every smile on either side.

Oh, there were declarations. There were speeches. They centered on love. They centered on the two of them. Together. And the power of love. Together.

But nowhere, never, could he recall ever telling her that really loved her, to her face.

_I still say it's obvious,_ he thought sheepishly.

_Maybe to you, _replied the demonic voice. _But Yukina isn't you, is she? _

Kuwabara nodded absently, and poked his head out from under the canopy. Still drizzling. Still gray, ugly, and wet. But somewhere over the horizon, the sun lurked, waiting for his cue to return. Sometime in the future, it would be bright again, and all would be fine.

The eternal symbol of hope, the sun was. And an obvious choice it was, too: bright and invigorating, and so persistent.

All it knew how to do was shine and beat down on the Earth, and yet it still symbolized hope. And life.

All of a sudden, the Hiei-voice's lecture was beginning to make sense.

_Now who's clueless? _

Was there still time? What time _was_ it, anyway? Was Yukina still up?

Did it matter?

Kuwabara decided that no, it did not.

And so, he was not surprised to find himself knocking on Yukina's door but a few hours later.

As usual, it didn't take the little demon long to answer. He could hear her hurrying steps across the floor, and the sounds the handle made as she turned it.

Yukina blinked, taking a moment to recognize the soaked man.

"Kazuma-san!" she exclaimed. "What a pleasant surprise! Did you forget something? Are you cold?"

He cut her off before she could continue with her caring inquiries.

"Yukina-san," he began gently. "I need to tell you something important. Right now."

The ice maiden looked up at him curiously, but swung the door open the rest of the way and ushered him inside.


End file.
